Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
