On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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