I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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