why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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