Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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