she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just found puke in my bra..
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
