i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
