i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
