I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
