Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You are a genius and a whore.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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