if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
