I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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