i need an iv and a liver transplant
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
