im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
