We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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