She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
