She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
