I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
