everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
