i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
