I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
