sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
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I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
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He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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