Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
