i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
