I'm so fucking centered right now
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
