1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
