found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
