Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
