are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
