ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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