The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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