How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
