I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
as a side note pls kill me
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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