is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
