well I can't set my house on fire every night
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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