Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
