guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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