My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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