Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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