I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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