Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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