we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
