Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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