i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
