You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
