TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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