my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS