I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."