i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!