As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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