Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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