As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
