After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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