benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Never underestimate the power of titties
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