You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
