I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
