I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
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She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
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Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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