oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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