Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
