I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
